A tattoo is a permanent reminder that you are an idiot

Tattoos are not an expression of your uniqueness. They are not a form of artistic expression. They do not make you look tough. And they most certainly do not make you look pensive or profound.

Tattoos are nothing but a commitment towards future embarrassment and ridicule. You may think that who you are now will never change. And if you are a wilfully ignorant or narrow-minded person who will always refuse to change their perspective on the world, irrespective of how much things around you change, you may be right. At least in terms of your mental retardation, anyway. But, what you are most certainly incapable of retarding, is the inevitable physical changes to your body as you begin to age.

And yes, I have heard all the argument before…”It’s okay if I get saggy and my tat ends up looking stupid, because I’ll be old and covered up anyway, so no-one will see it”. Really? Isn’t people seeing it the whole point of getting ink injected permanently beneath five layers of dermis? Because this excuse sounds an awful lot like an admission of the temporary relevance of whatever statement, symbol, character, etc. you have had tattooed to your body.

People have been getting tattoos for centuries. Yes, this is true. However, these tattoos had to mean something. You had to earn them. The massive tribal tattoos, for instance, that are to be found on the bodies and faces of indigenous cultures (such as the Maori of New Zealand) are signs of initiation, bravery and honour. They were not granted for cash. How would you feel as a member of one of these cultures seeing the spiritually significant art of your culture being inked across the Creatin-enhanced bicep of the Caucasian gym junkies. The descendants of the “white man” responsible to colonise your land and forcing your ancestors from it. Now, I’m not advocating a “black-armband” view of history here, I’m just saying that as the world hegemone white people have a lot to answer for in terms of turning the customs, art and spiritual artefacts of other cultures into consumer items.

I mean, are these people really so desperate to have some permanently tangible evidence that they had at least one profound realisation in their life time? It certainly is pessimistic. Are they conceding that the revelation of something akin to “Only God can judge me”, “Brisbane Broncos”, “Jesse 4 Eva” or the image of a butterfly/dolphin to symbolise their free-spirited nature is really the only meaningful denouement they are ever going to reach? It certainly would explain the high incidence of tattooing amongst those with pronounced self-confidence or identity issues.

Perhaps most stupid as those middle-class white people from the suburbs who get massive tribal tattoos down their arms, backs, shoulders, etc. to make them look both edgy and spiritual. The truth is they don’t look either. They look ashamed to be Caucasian and as desperately seeking psuedo-ethnic demarcation/tribal identity formation as a pasty 14-year-old wearing a over-sized basketball jersey, unlaced Nike Air Force Ones and baggy jeans.

And before anyone pulls the “But I got my children’s names tattooed across my heart because I’ll always love them” card, just hold up a minute. You can’t be serious, can you? If you need a massive tattoo across your chest, back or forearm to stand as a reminder of how much you will always love your children – then you really don’t love your children! You just want other people to think that you do. People who really and truly love their children do not need to advertise it on their flesh!

The pop culture adoption of tattoos is nothing more than the latest in a long line of flashy, but ultimately meaningless, fetished consumer items which are briefly lauded with great intensity and then quickly discarded as passe’. Von Dutch trucker cap, anyone?

So, if your thinking about getting a tattoo to mark some significant milestone or achievement in your life – don’t. If your thinking of getting a tattoo because you think it will define you. Don’t. If you think getting a tattoo will define your individuality. It won’t, it will only make public what you have always feared most that the people around you will one day realise – that you are deeply and overwhelmingly ordinary and mediocre. Now, do you really want a reminder of that permanently tattooed to your flesh? Do you?